CHICAGO, IL—When one is a self-proclaimed introvert (because they wouldn't want to ask anyone else to proclaim it), doing activities out and about can be a bit of a bother. Sources have confirmed, however, that introverted East Lakeview resident Adam Daniel Miller recently went out to dinner by himself, remarkably managing to have a good time.
As it turns out, Miller often has to travel for work and found himself in the glorious, majestic land of Elkhart, Ind. in early January of this year – a town where no one would willingly spend their time but would accidentally spend their entire life. In wanting to keep himself alive, Miller has dinner every night he is on the road, but is often relegated to drive-thrus and room service to save himself from the awkwardness of dining out alone. However, it was learned that due to the hype of a local small brewery that was forcibly suggested to him by one of his clients, Miller was pressured into visiting said brewery as an obligation stemming from his inability to not talk about his passion for beer.
So on a cold Midwestern evening, he figured he'd take a chance at being a party for "just one." The term "party" carries a great irony because these "parties" are often patrons out with their families and loved ones with the intention to bicker and spat while digesting moderately priced food and watered-down adult beverages they could have made at home for a fraction of the cost, both monetarily and emotionally.
Miller considered bringing a book to the evening meal but instead opted to bring just his smart phone. We have recently become aware that the smart phone is in fact not actually smart, but rather as smart as the user using the phone. With that being said, in Miller's case, it would be more appropriate to call it a potentially smart phone. With it, he took the time to catch up on his Facebook and scroll through his Twitter since it had been nearly 48 seconds since he had last done so. Additionally, he took the time to peruse his favorite website, Oy!Chicago.com, an online community for Jews in the Loop, the subtitle being a clever play on words referring to the downtown area of Chicago known as "The Loop" while simultaneously referring to the community of Jews that make up the site.
The restaurant/brewery in question that Miller was spotted in is known as Iechyd Da. To pronounce it properly, we asked local patrons who said to stop asking. Upon taking a look at the menu, it has been said that Miller took some pleasure in knowing that he wouldn't have to share the pizza he ordered and was satisfied at his public display of gluttony. Local eye witness accounts of the evening recall Miller as he ate.
"I didn't even notice him," quipped Elkhart resident Ash Williams. Talking to the bartender, it was discovered that Miller enjoyed the beer so much that he went as far as purchasing a pint glass with the logo of the brewery on it as a memento of his delightful, solo experience. And while reports indicate that Miller already has his go-to pint glass at home that he fills with delicious beer, it is safe to assume this new pint glass will only be filled with delicious dust.
After dinner, Miller was reportedly seen taking himself out in an attempt to enjoy some more individual shenanigans. Instead, he just saw a movie, where he somehow was the only patron for that particular showtime, something that has only happened, reportedly (again), one other time in his life. Reportedly one last time, that was a considerable amount of having an evening for "Just One" to the point of uncomfortability, a word that has been made up to describe the situation.
As to whether or not it was the perfect evening, when reached for further comment, Miller simply had to say, "Unfortunately, I drank a little more than I expected and accidentally made myself a tease."