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Realistic New Year’s Resolutions Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Set Realistic Goals For Myself That I Truly Want To Accomplish In 2013

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1. Shorten the titles of my blogs for Oy!Chicago.

2. Stop listing things before the actual introductions of my blogs for Oy!Chicago.

Welcome to the delayed introduction of my blog post for Oy!Chicago! A post that is so much more than a blog. A blog that is, in fact, a vessel of hope and inspiration for the full year lying before us. I say lying because at the time of this post we are down 3 weeks, so a full year this is not. I have to say, my goodness how time……..flies. There’s a large group of flies out my window. And if there’s one thing that distracts me, it’s a large group of flies. Oh! That’s perfect!

3. No longer get distracted by large groups of….they just keep going in circles, don’t they?

Sorry. Where was I? Ah yes, time and its ability to levitate. That might actually be a good goal this year, being able to fly. Nah. This year I want to try something different. This year, I want to be realistic with my resolutions. Hence, we have the following list which I composed on a whim. Just so you know, all my life I have referred to chairs as whims. Now, these are the realistic resolutions I have set for myself in this New Year that you will call 2013. I might as well call it that too. I put a lot of thought into these as most people don’t often set resolutions they can realistically achieve. I want to be different. Therefore, when I say “realistic” goals I mean realistic in the sense that I realistically want to accomplish them. But as far as them being realistic in a realistic sort of way, well, that’s another question entirely. And here is that other question in its entirety. Are they realistic in a realistic sort of way?

No. No they are not. Enjoy!

4. Actually read a book cover to cover. Maybe even two considering it’ll only take a couple minutes to do each one. Less if I choose Dr. Seuss books. 

5. Speaking of books, go against the saying and judge a book by its cover. The same way I judge people by their clothes. Okay, maybe it’s just me I judge. I don’t think I should be a judge. That’s a funny word. Judge. Now I want some fudge. But just a smudge. In fact I would like a smudge of fudge to judge for my ludge. Lunch. 

6. Stop going on tangents about fudge. 

7. Tell a joke worth telling. That previous sentence might suffice. 

8. Finally understand the difference between the word affect and effect. Also the words weather and pancake. 

9. Write a play. Oh. Just did it. That’s wasn’t so hard. Shoulda figured since it was only two words. 

10. Stop reading into things so much. I’m tired of bruising my face.

.11 Learn how to number things properly.

512. Learn how to number things properly. 

?@H%&. Learn how to number things properly.

12. Stop repeating myself.

12. Stop repeating myself. 

14. Get over my fear of silly superstitions. Learn to deal with only the regular kind of stitions. 

15. Learn a new language. Like blortic. Get it? Because it’s a NEW language and you thought I meant…moving on.


17. Overcome my fear of using the word synthesizer in the proper context of a banana. 

18. Capture, train and domesticate a great white shark to become my own personal marine life bounty hunter.

19. Work, on the, problem I have with, using unnecessary com,mas,. ,,

20. ,

21. Whenever I walk past someone trying to hail a taxi, hi-five them. 

22. fewkjwe@**6*Sskdhiwehk0)0S@1wejq92kqjkq20W):’!’1’

Sorry about that. Just killed a spider on my keyboard.

23. Go around dressed as the planet Mercury complaining about how hot I am because I’m so close to the sun while yelling at everyone else for not understanding true first world problems. 

B-7. Bingo!

24. Communicate with old friends that I’ve lost touch with. This applies mainly to my butt. We’re not on speaking terms right now which is a shame because we used to be really tight. 

25. Bah-dum chee!

26. Start acting my age, not my shirt size.

27. Not die. I’m actually going to try this one.

28. Do more outdoor activities in the comfort of my own apartment. 

29. Finish everything I start, including showers. 

30. Work out more. I’m tired of constantly workin’. (See what I did there? Neither do I)

31. Eat healthier AKA stop swallowing my food whole. 

32. Convince Whole Foods Market to sell me an individual slice of pizza. Or a piece of pie. I don’t always want the whole thing for goodness sake. Although sometimes I want the whole thing for deliciousness sake. 

33. Try walking a mile in someone else’s shoes because walking a mile in my own shoes takes about a month. I don’t go anywhere. 

34. End this list as anti-climatically as possible. 

So there you have it. My list of realistic New Year’s Resolutions for the year that will eventually be formally known as 2013. I’m feeling pretty good about this list. In fact I don’t think this list is half bad. It’s closer to about ¾ bad. Just like my humor.

Happy Jewish Newish Year!

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